I have created a brand spanking new blog. I have new social plug ins, a whole new layout created by moi, and I am hoping you will all come and visit me there.
My Christmas Countdown posts will be moved over to the new blog and I will be posting there once I get it all organised.
Please, please take a minute to stop by and follow so you don't miss any of my bloggy goodness.
I need my "cheer squad"!!
Here is the new home;
http://blogwobble.blogspot.com/
To The One Who Watches Over Me
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
You have tested my strength the past twelve months. You've tested my patience, my resolve and my faith. You've pushed me further than I ever wanted to go. You've pushed me further than I ever thought I could go.
I sit here now reflecting on where I was, where I have been, where I want to go, and where you may take me next. You have taught me so much, and yet I know you have not finished. You have opened my eyes to my strength and still I know I am not strong enough and you will test me again. You have had me question my faith, and still you lead me towards you. You've made me question what is right and wrong, what I want and dont want, who I can and cant trust.
You have pushed me upon the very things I have feared, and have made me face them. You have shown me I have no choice. You have shown me I can have a choice. You have shown me I sometimes don't make the right choice and that I have to fix those mistakes.
You have taught me to be grateful and thankful. Two of the most important lessons anyone will ever learn. You have taught me to listen, to think, to pray.
You continue to teach me the lessons I do not want to learn.
Thank you.
I sit here now reflecting on where I was, where I have been, where I want to go, and where you may take me next. You have taught me so much, and yet I know you have not finished. You have opened my eyes to my strength and still I know I am not strong enough and you will test me again. You have had me question my faith, and still you lead me towards you. You've made me question what is right and wrong, what I want and dont want, who I can and cant trust.
You have pushed me upon the very things I have feared, and have made me face them. You have shown me I have no choice. You have shown me I can have a choice. You have shown me I sometimes don't make the right choice and that I have to fix those mistakes.
You have taught me to be grateful and thankful. Two of the most important lessons anyone will ever learn. You have taught me to listen, to think, to pray.
You continue to teach me the lessons I do not want to learn.
Thank you.
Weigh In - End of Week 3
Monday, October 10, 2011
A LOSS!!!! Started the week at 116.6kg, weighing in this morning at 115.1kg. A loss of 1.5kg for this week.
Starting weight for the challenge - 118kg
Todays weigh in - 115.1kg
Total loss to date - 2.9kg
I am on track. It seems so slow, but a loss of 1kg (2.2lbs) a week is the optimum if you want to KEEP it off.
2 more kilograms and I reach my first mini goal and get a reward too :)
My goals for week 4 are pretty much the same.
Keep tracking, increase the water consumption, keep up with my swimming 40mins 5 times a week, stay within my calories, and be kinder to myself.
Hoping everyone else had a loss too :)
Quick Update
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Just a quick post to check in.
I have made it a goal to blog daily, that was a bit of fail this week, however most of my other goals wre successfully met.
I am looking forward to weigh in tomorrow morning, I am not expecting a huge loss, but I am hoping for a loss none the less. I am starting to notice small changes in my appearance and I am finding it easier to button my jeans, so fingers crossed it's not just in my head but in my numbers too.
Thank you to those who have done and continue to offer support, love and kindness. I really think there are a few of you that will become good friends of mine in time. I couldn't keep up this motivation if it wasn't for my regular cheer squad. ♥
If you are on facebook and want to connect, I have a page here,
Lazy Girl
or find me and add me as a friend. Hope A Williams. Would love to chat with you guys :)
Will be weighing in tomorrow morning. Hoping you all record a loss for the end of week 3 too!
I have made it a goal to blog daily, that was a bit of fail this week, however most of my other goals wre successfully met.
I am looking forward to weigh in tomorrow morning, I am not expecting a huge loss, but I am hoping for a loss none the less. I am starting to notice small changes in my appearance and I am finding it easier to button my jeans, so fingers crossed it's not just in my head but in my numbers too.
Thank you to those who have done and continue to offer support, love and kindness. I really think there are a few of you that will become good friends of mine in time. I couldn't keep up this motivation if it wasn't for my regular cheer squad. ♥
If you are on facebook and want to connect, I have a page here,
Lazy Girl
or find me and add me as a friend. Hope A Williams. Would love to chat with you guys :)
Will be weighing in tomorrow morning. Hoping you all record a loss for the end of week 3 too!
Why A Man Could Never Love THIS Fat Chick
Friday, October 7, 2011
I am guilty of putting life on hold because of my ever growing waist line. Or the imagination thereof. Let me explain....
I met my ex-husband at 18, married at 19, and had my first daughter at 20. I remember hyperventilating as I was about to walk into the courthouse, 5 months pregnant, about to say my vows. I wasn't in love, heck, I hardly even liked my husband to be. Don't get me wrong, he was a pretty good man, and that's why I settled. Even at 18, I was so damaged, I felt like I had better take my opportunity and run, because I was certain no one else would tolerate me enough to marry me.
Looking back now I am just so sad for that 18 year old girl. Back then I was still thin, I was strong because the worst was yet to come and I didn't know it. I was so willing to give up love and romance and desire for a stable, too weak within himself to ever leave me, will always have a job and provide for us, I can pretty much control his every move, husband. He was a good man in that he was willing to work any job, provide for me and my daughter so I could be home with her, willing to do what I told him. And he loved me, I know he did.
I tried for many years to be a good wife and mother. And there was a brief period where I was happy, or as happy as I could be (inner turmoil did pull rank) I had my husband, my daughter, another baby on the way, we rented a crappy unit, but it was home and I spent my days playing super mum, domestic goddess, and amazing wife.
Not long after, life happened, as it does, there were major changes, and I just couldnt hold on to it any more. I was 26 and I just couldn't stand the sight of my husband any more. Everything he did, everything he said, the way he treated the children (he didnt like being a father) I just REFUSED to pretend any more. Instead of loving my husband, I severely disliked him. Yeah I know, I am a bitch and I know it, I am not proud.
I asked him to leave not long after. He did. 3 years later and he hasn't seen the kids in over a year, he moved states, doesn't speak on the phone to them unless its a special occasion, and calls me once every few weeks to check in. I am sad for my daughters but part of me feels they are better without a Dad who doesn't like them.
2 years ago I met a man. Online. In another country. Yep, those facts alone should have made me run. But come on, I am a glutton for punishment.
We spent our days (well my days, his nights) talking online, on the phone, skype, all that fun stuff. We got to know each other pretty well, (or so I thought).
After a year I decided to visit him in the States. That time of my life was the single most terrifying, thrilling, amazing time of my life, but more so because of the adventure of going to another country.
He had been pretty honest about himself from the start. He was a large man, well over 300lbs actually. I didn't mind, I have always been a believer in personality before looks. We had a good time. I lost about 10lbs when I was there, cause I was pretty happy. The whole time though, I had this gnawing rat running around my brain, something was off, and I knew what it was, but I refused to acknowledge it at that moment. I met his family, his friends, his kids. Saw how he lived his life. *alarm bells*
Then I returned home, hugged my kids, and thanked the universe for them.
He proposed.
Around this time, is when things took a turn.
He became controlling, emotionally and mentally abusive. I started living like a hermit, never leaving home, staying close to the phone and pc. I was at his beck and call 24/7. When he messaged me on the pc, I had to answer within a certain time frame. I had to call him when he told me (oi those phone bills were ginormous) If I left the house I was accused of cheating, of wanting to leave him, of not wanting to spend time with him and being a liar. I became a prisoner in my own home. I knew I should walk away, take back my life, be in control and not tolerate his abuse. Inside I suffered most. I became depressed, even went as far as wanting to off myself, he had me thinking I was such a bad person/woman/mother/girlfriend. I fought with myself constantly, half of me wanted to leave, half of me wanted to stay.
After a damaging 12 months, I found out he was still involved with the mother of his kids. That was enough for me, I hung up the phone, shut down the pc, and moved on.
The first 6 months afterwards I was a wreck. I wondered how I would ever survive. The heart break, the needing someone, the being alone. I even missed the abuse and inner turmoil he caused. I was like a junkie, hooked on feeling degraded and devalued.
I felt like I would die.
It's been 12 long months. I have spent those months trying to heal. I have spent those 12 months getting to know myself. I still dont know who the hell I am. I no longer know who I want to be. But I do know one thing.
I settled........... AGAIN!
So here I say it - Why a man could never love this fat chick.
What man of my dreams, is gonna want a fat damaged woman? I am not only damaged in a relationship sense, lets not forget all the things my parents did to me, and how much I am like my mother.......
I have had a while now to think about what I want in a man. I want honesty, respect and loyalty. I want protectiveness, selflessness, and a man who is willing to step up and be a great Dad for my girls. I want a family man who would rather snuggle up and have a movie night with his woman rather than a beer with his mates. I want a reliable, hard working, attractive man. Yeah, I know, too many romance novels lately.
Then I come to my senses. I know I am going to be single for a long time, if not forever. My prime years for finding that man have gone and were replaced with fake happy families, having babies and settling.
I am no longer thin, beautiful and confident. These days I am weak trying to be strong, fat trying to be healthy, sad trying to be happy. I am a social retard, seriously. I find my social life on the pc, keeping everyone at a distance, not even using my real name. I stay locked up at home because that has been my life the past 3 years. I don't like to venture out because I don't like people. I can't talk to men or women. I find the nearest exit every time. I live in my little, predictable bubble and I settle.
We are all suffering of course. I am not too selfish to feel guilty for what I have and continue to put my precious girls through.
There is a lot more damage inside of course. I could pretty much write a useless book on how much of a screw up I am and my life is. But really whats the point?
I accepted that no handsome man could ever love a fat chick like me. I am ok with that now. I am learning to accept who I am. I want to learn who I want to be, and at least I will have something to focus on thats positive.
I may sound pretty hard on myself or depressed or suicidal, or all 3. I promise I am not. I sit here now smiling. I am not insane, but I have found peace in accepting what I have done, and why. It isn't right and I am not happy about it, but I accept it.
I still read my books where the men are handsome and heroes, the women are strong but in need of saving, and the path to their soul mates is plagued with trouble. I may not believe in a real life knight in shining armor. But I still have feelings, I have my happy place where I am able to imagine I am in those books, and although I have moments where reality hurts, my happy place is enough to get me through.
My reality isn't any worse than most. I pay the bills, provide the meals, try and be a good mum, and work on making things better, bit by tiny bit. Living without passion is hard but not impossible. And it's not so bad. Just a little lonely sometimes.
Besides I have learned to be thankful for the small stuff, books, movies, crochet, my girls. Life isn't as bad as it could be :)
I met my ex-husband at 18, married at 19, and had my first daughter at 20. I remember hyperventilating as I was about to walk into the courthouse, 5 months pregnant, about to say my vows. I wasn't in love, heck, I hardly even liked my husband to be. Don't get me wrong, he was a pretty good man, and that's why I settled. Even at 18, I was so damaged, I felt like I had better take my opportunity and run, because I was certain no one else would tolerate me enough to marry me.
Looking back now I am just so sad for that 18 year old girl. Back then I was still thin, I was strong because the worst was yet to come and I didn't know it. I was so willing to give up love and romance and desire for a stable, too weak within himself to ever leave me, will always have a job and provide for us, I can pretty much control his every move, husband. He was a good man in that he was willing to work any job, provide for me and my daughter so I could be home with her, willing to do what I told him. And he loved me, I know he did.
I tried for many years to be a good wife and mother. And there was a brief period where I was happy, or as happy as I could be (inner turmoil did pull rank) I had my husband, my daughter, another baby on the way, we rented a crappy unit, but it was home and I spent my days playing super mum, domestic goddess, and amazing wife.
Not long after, life happened, as it does, there were major changes, and I just couldnt hold on to it any more. I was 26 and I just couldn't stand the sight of my husband any more. Everything he did, everything he said, the way he treated the children (he didnt like being a father) I just REFUSED to pretend any more. Instead of loving my husband, I severely disliked him. Yeah I know, I am a bitch and I know it, I am not proud.
I asked him to leave not long after. He did. 3 years later and he hasn't seen the kids in over a year, he moved states, doesn't speak on the phone to them unless its a special occasion, and calls me once every few weeks to check in. I am sad for my daughters but part of me feels they are better without a Dad who doesn't like them.
2 years ago I met a man. Online. In another country. Yep, those facts alone should have made me run. But come on, I am a glutton for punishment.
We spent our days (well my days, his nights) talking online, on the phone, skype, all that fun stuff. We got to know each other pretty well, (or so I thought).
After a year I decided to visit him in the States. That time of my life was the single most terrifying, thrilling, amazing time of my life, but more so because of the adventure of going to another country.
He had been pretty honest about himself from the start. He was a large man, well over 300lbs actually. I didn't mind, I have always been a believer in personality before looks. We had a good time. I lost about 10lbs when I was there, cause I was pretty happy. The whole time though, I had this gnawing rat running around my brain, something was off, and I knew what it was, but I refused to acknowledge it at that moment. I met his family, his friends, his kids. Saw how he lived his life. *alarm bells*
Then I returned home, hugged my kids, and thanked the universe for them.
He proposed.
Around this time, is when things took a turn.
He became controlling, emotionally and mentally abusive. I started living like a hermit, never leaving home, staying close to the phone and pc. I was at his beck and call 24/7. When he messaged me on the pc, I had to answer within a certain time frame. I had to call him when he told me (oi those phone bills were ginormous) If I left the house I was accused of cheating, of wanting to leave him, of not wanting to spend time with him and being a liar. I became a prisoner in my own home. I knew I should walk away, take back my life, be in control and not tolerate his abuse. Inside I suffered most. I became depressed, even went as far as wanting to off myself, he had me thinking I was such a bad person/woman/mother/girlfriend. I fought with myself constantly, half of me wanted to leave, half of me wanted to stay.
After a damaging 12 months, I found out he was still involved with the mother of his kids. That was enough for me, I hung up the phone, shut down the pc, and moved on.
The first 6 months afterwards I was a wreck. I wondered how I would ever survive. The heart break, the needing someone, the being alone. I even missed the abuse and inner turmoil he caused. I was like a junkie, hooked on feeling degraded and devalued.
I felt like I would die.
It's been 12 long months. I have spent those months trying to heal. I have spent those 12 months getting to know myself. I still dont know who the hell I am. I no longer know who I want to be. But I do know one thing.
I settled........... AGAIN!
So here I say it - Why a man could never love this fat chick.
What man of my dreams, is gonna want a fat damaged woman? I am not only damaged in a relationship sense, lets not forget all the things my parents did to me, and how much I am like my mother.......
I have had a while now to think about what I want in a man. I want honesty, respect and loyalty. I want protectiveness, selflessness, and a man who is willing to step up and be a great Dad for my girls. I want a family man who would rather snuggle up and have a movie night with his woman rather than a beer with his mates. I want a reliable, hard working, attractive man. Yeah, I know, too many romance novels lately.
Then I come to my senses. I know I am going to be single for a long time, if not forever. My prime years for finding that man have gone and were replaced with fake happy families, having babies and settling.
I am no longer thin, beautiful and confident. These days I am weak trying to be strong, fat trying to be healthy, sad trying to be happy. I am a social retard, seriously. I find my social life on the pc, keeping everyone at a distance, not even using my real name. I stay locked up at home because that has been my life the past 3 years. I don't like to venture out because I don't like people. I can't talk to men or women. I find the nearest exit every time. I live in my little, predictable bubble and I settle.
We are all suffering of course. I am not too selfish to feel guilty for what I have and continue to put my precious girls through.
There is a lot more damage inside of course. I could pretty much write a useless book on how much of a screw up I am and my life is. But really whats the point?
I accepted that no handsome man could ever love a fat chick like me. I am ok with that now. I am learning to accept who I am. I want to learn who I want to be, and at least I will have something to focus on thats positive.
I may sound pretty hard on myself or depressed or suicidal, or all 3. I promise I am not. I sit here now smiling. I am not insane, but I have found peace in accepting what I have done, and why. It isn't right and I am not happy about it, but I accept it.
I still read my books where the men are handsome and heroes, the women are strong but in need of saving, and the path to their soul mates is plagued with trouble. I may not believe in a real life knight in shining armor. But I still have feelings, I have my happy place where I am able to imagine I am in those books, and although I have moments where reality hurts, my happy place is enough to get me through.
My reality isn't any worse than most. I pay the bills, provide the meals, try and be a good mum, and work on making things better, bit by tiny bit. Living without passion is hard but not impossible. And it's not so bad. Just a little lonely sometimes.
Besides I have learned to be thankful for the small stuff, books, movies, crochet, my girls. Life isn't as bad as it could be :)
Smooth Sailing
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
It has taken 3 days to feel "normal" again. If nothing else this challenge has taught me that my time of the month really affects me mentally, emotionally and physically. I guess because I am always focused on other things that I haven't really paid much attention to it, but since I have been looking after myself, and taking more time to focus on what I think and feel, I was just blown away by how much "Aunt Flo" messes me up.
I have decided that for the next 3 months I am going to track Aunt Flo's visits. So far I have determined that physically I get that gnawing "gotta eat anything and everything" constant grazing hunger starting a day or so before hand. I also get a migraine for the first 1-3 days and last 2 days, although it wasn't nearly as bad this month since cutting back heavily on sugar, caffeine and artificial sweeteners. Mentally and Emotionally, I rage. I mean blood boiling, gotta hit something for no good reason, no rational thinking here, rage. Then I end up in a somewhat significant depression. I feel like I am the worst person in the world, everything I have ever done is so bad people just can't forgive me, gonna go crawl in a hole and be alone the rest of my life, depression, accompanied by a nice big ol' side dish of guilt. Then when it's all over I am "me" again. I am motivated, content for the most part, wanting to improve life, and thankful for all I have. O.M.Gosh what a major swing.
I do know that for 3 months I am going to document times, days, dates and moods, absolutely everything for 1 week of each month, just to better know myself if nothing else. I am also thinking after that, maybe a natural supplement that helps ease P.M.S? Has anyone had experience with any of those products?
I like that I am beginning to get to know myself. I know I am not what and who I want to be, I have known it all my life. For some reason I thought I had to settle. Now that I am actually getting to know me, I am also learning what I have to do to work towards being the me I want to be. It makes me feel a little more grounded. Like for now I have a focus. Yeah, sometimes I feel guilty taking all this time for myself, but then I tell myself, I am worth it, no matter what I have been told, or made to feel. I am no worse than any one else.
I have decided that for the next 3 months I am going to track Aunt Flo's visits. So far I have determined that physically I get that gnawing "gotta eat anything and everything" constant grazing hunger starting a day or so before hand. I also get a migraine for the first 1-3 days and last 2 days, although it wasn't nearly as bad this month since cutting back heavily on sugar, caffeine and artificial sweeteners. Mentally and Emotionally, I rage. I mean blood boiling, gotta hit something for no good reason, no rational thinking here, rage. Then I end up in a somewhat significant depression. I feel like I am the worst person in the world, everything I have ever done is so bad people just can't forgive me, gonna go crawl in a hole and be alone the rest of my life, depression, accompanied by a nice big ol' side dish of guilt. Then when it's all over I am "me" again. I am motivated, content for the most part, wanting to improve life, and thankful for all I have. O.M.Gosh what a major swing.
I do know that for 3 months I am going to document times, days, dates and moods, absolutely everything for 1 week of each month, just to better know myself if nothing else. I am also thinking after that, maybe a natural supplement that helps ease P.M.S? Has anyone had experience with any of those products?
I like that I am beginning to get to know myself. I know I am not what and who I want to be, I have known it all my life. For some reason I thought I had to settle. Now that I am actually getting to know me, I am also learning what I have to do to work towards being the me I want to be. It makes me feel a little more grounded. Like for now I have a focus. Yeah, sometimes I feel guilty taking all this time for myself, but then I tell myself, I am worth it, no matter what I have been told, or made to feel. I am no worse than any one else.
Back to Basics
Monday, October 3, 2011
Weight Loss isn't rocket science, eat less and move more. Yet so many of us spend an entire life time struggling. I don't judge, I have lived with the yoyo effect for years. Those who live in glass houses, you know?
When my brain is switched on and I am living mindfully I am able to follow basic principals of weight loss. Yeah, living mindfully (as a constant state of mind) is another goal of mine. I spend way to much time on auto pilot when it comes to my life.
During this 4 week Back to Basics Challenge, I aim to retrain myself with daily healthy habits to pave my road to success. So without further ado;
My Goals for the Back to Basics Challenge are;
Track my calories through My Fitness Pal, stick to my allocated allowance.
Don't eat 2 hours before bed time
Eat 2 pieces of fruit and 5 different vegetables a day (I am no veggie lover, the change in wording here helps me fool myself - yeah.... I'm complicated.)
Drink at least 2 litres of water and take a multivitamin every day. Track my water on My Fitness Pal.
Exercise 5 times a week for 40 minutes (this swimming thing is awesomesauce!)
Get 8 hours of sleep a night
Plan ahead for that dreaded time of the month- healthy snacks to combat cravings.
Eat slowly. Instead of inhaling each meal, stop, take my time, be aware of each bite and actually enjoy my food.
Be sensible with my portions. Weight if I have to.
NO MORE SOFT DRINK! Water, water, WATER! (I am addicted to coke zero - can you say addictive personality!?)
Steer clear of added sugars, saturated fats and excessive caffeine. DO NOT eat or drink ANYTHING that contains ASPARTAME or PHENYLALANINE. (I am allergic)
Plan every.single.meal and snack
Blog my progress every day, if I feel like crap and don't want to blog, then write that, but make the effort to blog each day.
Pamper my self a little every week, even if it's just painting my toe nails.
Weight in every Monday, regardless. NO excuses.
There you have it. This stuff isn't hard, it just has to become HABIT!
To get my 2 pieces of fruit in I started making a juice this morning after swimming. I ended up with a yellow water melon, yellow kiwi fruit and pear mix. I poured it over ice and I am slowing enjoying it as I type this up. Not a bad way to get the fruits in. Now vegies may be a little more difficult.
Good luck to those participating in this mini challenge.
When my brain is switched on and I am living mindfully I am able to follow basic principals of weight loss. Yeah, living mindfully (as a constant state of mind) is another goal of mine. I spend way to much time on auto pilot when it comes to my life.
During this 4 week Back to Basics Challenge, I aim to retrain myself with daily healthy habits to pave my road to success. So without further ado;
My Goals for the Back to Basics Challenge are;
Track my calories through My Fitness Pal, stick to my allocated allowance.
Don't eat 2 hours before bed time
Eat 2 pieces of fruit and 5 different vegetables a day (I am no veggie lover, the change in wording here helps me fool myself - yeah.... I'm complicated.)
Drink at least 2 litres of water and take a multivitamin every day. Track my water on My Fitness Pal.
Exercise 5 times a week for 40 minutes (this swimming thing is awesomesauce!)
Get 8 hours of sleep a night
Plan ahead for that dreaded time of the month- healthy snacks to combat cravings.
Eat slowly. Instead of inhaling each meal, stop, take my time, be aware of each bite and actually enjoy my food.
Be sensible with my portions. Weight if I have to.
NO MORE SOFT DRINK! Water, water, WATER! (I am addicted to coke zero - can you say addictive personality!?)
Steer clear of added sugars, saturated fats and excessive caffeine. DO NOT eat or drink ANYTHING that contains ASPARTAME or PHENYLALANINE. (I am allergic)
Plan every.single.meal and snack
Blog my progress every day, if I feel like crap and don't want to blog, then write that, but make the effort to blog each day.
Pamper my self a little every week, even if it's just painting my toe nails.
Weight in every Monday, regardless. NO excuses.
There you have it. This stuff isn't hard, it just has to become HABIT!
To get my 2 pieces of fruit in I started making a juice this morning after swimming. I ended up with a yellow water melon, yellow kiwi fruit and pear mix. I poured it over ice and I am slowing enjoying it as I type this up. Not a bad way to get the fruits in. Now vegies may be a little more difficult.
Good luck to those participating in this mini challenge.
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