Lazy Girl's Turning 30

Please Don't Hate Me

2011-10-13T13:57:00.000+09:30

I have created a brand spanking new blog. I have new social plug ins, a whole new layout created by moi, and I am hoping you will all come and visit me there.

My Christmas Countdown posts will be moved over to the new blog and I will be posting there once I get it all organised.

Please, please take a minute to stop by and follow so you don't miss any of my bloggy goodness.

I need my "cheer squad"!!

Here is the new home;

http://blogwobble.blogspot.com/

To The One Who Watches Over Me

2011-10-12T13:55:00.000+09:30

You have tested my strength the past twelve months. You've tested my patience, my resolve and my faith. You've pushed me further than I ever wanted to go. You've pushed me further than I ever thought I could go.

I sit here now reflecting on where I was, where I have been, where I want to go, and where you may take me next. You have taught me so much, and yet I know you have not finished. You have opened my eyes to my strength and still I know I am not strong enough and you will test me again. You have had me question my faith, and still you lead me towards you. You've made me question what is right and wrong, what I want and dont want, who I can and cant trust.

You have pushed me upon the very things I have feared, and have made me face them. You have shown me I have no choice. You have shown me I can have a choice. You have shown me I sometimes don't make the right choice and that I have to fix those mistakes.

You have taught me to be grateful and thankful. Two of the most important lessons anyone will ever learn. You have taught me to listen, to think, to pray.

You continue to teach me the lessons I do not want to learn.

Thank you.

Weigh In - End of Week 3

2011-10-10T06:03:00.001+09:30

A LOSS!!!! Started the week at 116.6kg, weighing in this morning at 115.1kg. A loss of 1.5kg for this week.

Starting weight for the challenge - 118kg
Todays weigh in - 115.1kg
Total loss to date - 2.9kg

I am on track. It seems so slow, but a loss of 1kg (2.2lbs) a week is the optimum if you want to KEEP it off.

2 more kilograms and I reach my first mini goal and get a reward too :)

My goals for week 4 are pretty much the same.

Keep tracking, increase the water consumption, keep up with my swimming 40mins 5 times a week, stay within my calories, and be kinder to myself.

Hoping everyone else had a loss too :)

Quick Update

2011-10-09T13:41:00.000+09:30

Just a quick post to check in.

I have made it a goal to blog daily, that was a bit of fail this week, however most of my other goals wre successfully met.

I am looking forward to weigh in tomorrow morning, I am not expecting a huge loss, but I am hoping for a loss none the less. I am starting to notice small changes in my appearance and I am finding it easier to button my jeans, so fingers crossed it's not just in my head but in my numbers too.

Thank you to those who have done and continue to offer support, love and kindness. I really think there are a few of you that will become good friends of mine in time. I couldn't keep up this motivation if it wasn't for my regular cheer squad. ♥

If you are on facebook and want to connect, I have a page here,
Lazy Girl
or find me and add me as a friend. Hope A Williams. Would love to chat with you guys :)

Will be weighing in tomorrow morning. Hoping you all record a loss for the end of week 3 too!

Why A Man Could Never Love THIS Fat Chick

2011-10-07T07:16:00.003+09:30

I am guilty of putting life on hold because of my ever growing waist line. Or the imagination thereof. Let me explain....

I met my ex-husband at 18, married at 19, and had my first daughter at 20. I remember hyperventilating as I was about to walk into the courthouse, 5 months pregnant, about to say my vows. I wasn't in love, heck, I hardly even liked my husband to be. Don't get me wrong, he was a pretty good man, and that's why I settled. Even at 18, I was so damaged, I felt like I had better take my opportunity and run, because I was certain no one else would tolerate me enough to marry me.

Looking back now I am just so sad for that 18 year old girl. Back then I was still thin, I was strong because the worst was yet to come and I didn't know it. I was so willing to give up love and romance and desire for a stable, too weak within himself to ever leave me, will always have a job and provide for us, I can pretty much control his every move, husband. He was a good man in that he was willing to work any job, provide for me and my daughter so I could be home with her, willing to do what I told him. And he loved me, I know he did.

I tried for many years to be a good wife and mother. And there was a brief period where I was happy, or as happy as I could be (inner turmoil did pull rank) I had my husband, my daughter, another baby on the way, we rented a crappy unit, but it was home and I spent my days playing super mum, domestic goddess, and amazing wife.

Not long after, life happened, as it does, there were major changes, and I just couldnt hold on to it any more. I was 26 and I just couldn't stand the sight of my husband any more. Everything he did, everything he said, the way he treated the children (he didnt like being a father) I just REFUSED to pretend any more. Instead of loving my husband, I severely disliked him. Yeah I know, I am a bitch and I know it, I am not proud.

I asked him to leave not long after. He did. 3 years later and he hasn't seen the kids in over a year, he moved states, doesn't speak on the phone to them unless its a special occasion, and calls me once every few weeks to check in. I am sad for my daughters but part of me feels they are better without a Dad who doesn't like them.

2 years ago I met a man. Online. In another country. Yep, those facts alone should have made me run. But come on, I am a glutton for punishment.

We spent our days (well my days, his nights) talking online, on the phone, skype, all that fun stuff. We got to know each other pretty well, (or so I thought).
After a year I decided to visit him in the States. That time of my life was the single most terrifying, thrilling, amazing time of my life, but more so because of the adventure of going to another country.
He had been pretty honest about himself from the start. He was a large man, well over 300lbs actually. I didn't mind, I have always been a believer in personality before looks. We had a good time. I lost about 10lbs when I was there, cause I was pretty happy. The whole time though, I had this gnawing rat running around my brain, something was off, and I knew what it was, but I refused to acknowledge it at that moment. I met his family, his friends, his kids. Saw how he lived his life. *alarm bells*

Then I returned home, hugged my kids, and thanked the universe for them.

He proposed.

Around this time, is when things took a turn.

He became controlling, emotionally and mentally abusive. I started living like a hermit, never leaving home, staying close to the phone and pc. I was at his beck and call 24/7. When he messaged me on the pc, I had to answer within a certain time frame. I had to call him when he told me (oi those phone bills were ginormous) If I left the house I was accused of cheating, of wanting to leave him, of not wanting to spend time with him and being a liar. I became a prisoner in my own home. I knew I should walk away, take back my life, be in control and not tolerate his abuse. Inside I suffered most. I became depressed, even went as far as wanting to off myself, he had me thinking I was such a bad person/woman/mother/girlfriend. I fought with myself constantly, half of me wanted to leave, half of me wanted to stay.

After a damaging 12 months, I found out he was still involved with the mother of his kids. That was enough for me, I hung up the phone, shut down the pc, and moved on.

The first 6 months afterwards I was a wreck. I wondered how I would ever survive. The heart break, the needing someone, the being alone. I even missed the abuse and inner turmoil he caused. I was like a junkie, hooked on feeling degraded and devalued.
I felt like I would die.

It's been 12 long months. I have spent those months trying to heal. I have spent those 12 months getting to know myself. I still dont know who the hell I am. I no longer know who I want to be. But I do know one thing.

I settled........... AGAIN!

So here I say it - Why a man could never love this fat chick.

What man of my dreams, is gonna want a fat damaged woman? I am not only damaged in a relationship sense, lets not forget all the things my parents did to me, and how much I am like my mother.......

I have had a while now to think about what I want in a man. I want honesty, respect and loyalty. I want protectiveness, selflessness, and a man who is willing to step up and be a great Dad for my girls. I want a family man who would rather snuggle up and have a movie night with his woman rather than a beer with his mates. I want a reliable, hard working, attractive man. Yeah, I know, too many romance novels lately.

Then I come to my senses. I know I am going to be single for a long time, if not forever. My prime years for finding that man have gone and were replaced with fake happy families, having babies and settling.
I am no longer thin, beautiful and confident. These days I am weak trying to be strong, fat trying to be healthy, sad trying to be happy. I am a social retard, seriously. I find my social life on the pc, keeping everyone at a distance, not even using my real name. I stay locked up at home because that has been my life the past 3 years. I don't like to venture out because I don't like people. I can't talk to men or women. I find the nearest exit every time. I live in my little, predictable bubble and I settle.

We are all suffering of course. I am not too selfish to feel guilty for what I have and continue to put my precious girls through.

There is a lot more damage inside of course. I could pretty much write a useless book on how much of a screw up I am and my life is. But really whats the point?

I accepted that no handsome man could ever love a fat chick like me. I am ok with that now. I am learning to accept who I am. I want to learn who I want to be, and at least I will have something to focus on thats positive.

I may sound pretty hard on myself or depressed or suicidal, or all 3. I promise I am not. I sit here now smiling. I am not insane, but I have found peace in accepting what I have done, and why. It isn't right and I am not happy about it, but I accept it.

I still read my books where the men are handsome and heroes, the women are strong but in need of saving, and the path to their soul mates is plagued with trouble. I may not believe in a real life knight in shining armor. But I still have feelings, I have my happy place where I am able to imagine I am in those books, and although I have moments where reality hurts, my happy place is enough to get me through.

My reality isn't any worse than most. I pay the bills, provide the meals, try and be a good mum, and work on making things better, bit by tiny bit. Living without passion is hard but not impossible. And it's not so bad. Just a little lonely sometimes.

Besides I have learned to be thankful for the small stuff, books, movies, crochet, my girls. Life isn't as bad as it could be :)

Smooth Sailing

2011-10-04T09:12:00.000+09:30

It has taken 3 days to feel "normal" again. If nothing else this challenge has taught me that my time of the month really affects me mentally, emotionally and physically. I guess because I am always focused on other things that I haven't really paid much attention to it, but since I have been looking after myself, and taking more time to focus on what I think and feel, I was just blown away by how much "Aunt Flo" messes me up.

I have decided that for the next 3 months I am going to track Aunt Flo's visits. So far I have determined that physically I get that gnawing "gotta eat anything and everything" constant grazing hunger starting a day or so before hand. I also get a migraine for the first 1-3 days and last 2 days, although it wasn't nearly as bad this month since cutting back heavily on sugar, caffeine and artificial sweeteners. Mentally and Emotionally, I rage. I mean blood boiling, gotta hit something for no good reason, no rational thinking here, rage. Then I end up in a somewhat significant depression. I feel like I am the worst person in the world, everything I have ever done is so bad people just can't forgive me, gonna go crawl in a hole and be alone the rest of my life, depression, accompanied by a nice big ol' side dish of guilt. Then when it's all over I am "me" again. I am motivated, content for the most part, wanting to improve life, and thankful for all I have. O.M.Gosh what a major swing.

I do know that for 3 months I am going to document times, days, dates and moods, absolutely everything for 1 week of each month, just to better know myself if nothing else. I am also thinking after that, maybe a natural supplement that helps ease P.M.S? Has anyone had experience with any of those products?

I like that I am beginning to get to know myself. I know I am not what and who I want to be, I have known it all my life. For some reason I thought I had to settle. Now that I am actually getting to know me, I am also learning what I have to do to work towards being the me I want to be. It makes me feel a little more grounded. Like for now I have a focus. Yeah, sometimes I feel guilty taking all this time for myself, but then I tell myself, I am worth it, no matter what I have been told, or made to feel. I am no worse than any one else.

Back to Basics

2011-10-03T08:29:00.000+09:30

Weight Loss isn't rocket science, eat less and move more. Yet so many of us spend an entire life time struggling. I don't judge, I have lived with the yoyo effect for years. Those who live in glass houses, you know?

When my brain is switched on and I am living mindfully I am able to follow basic principals of weight loss. Yeah, living mindfully (as a constant state of mind) is another goal of mine. I spend way to much time on auto pilot when it comes to my life.

During this 4 week Back to Basics Challenge, I aim to retrain myself with daily healthy habits to pave my road to success. So without further ado;

My Goals for the Back to Basics Challenge are;

Track my calories through My Fitness Pal, stick to my allocated allowance.

Don't eat 2 hours before bed time

Eat 2 pieces of fruit and 5 different vegetables a day (I am no veggie lover, the change in wording here helps me fool myself - yeah.... I'm complicated.)

Drink at least 2 litres of water and take a multivitamin every day. Track my water on My Fitness Pal.

Exercise 5 times a week for 40 minutes (this swimming thing is awesomesauce!)

Get 8 hours of sleep a night

Plan ahead for that dreaded time of the month- healthy snacks to combat cravings.

Eat slowly. Instead of inhaling each meal, stop, take my time, be aware of each bite and actually enjoy my food.

Be sensible with my portions. Weight if I have to.

NO MORE SOFT DRINK! Water, water, WATER! (I am addicted to coke zero - can you say addictive personality!?)

Steer clear of added sugars, saturated fats and excessive caffeine. DO NOT eat or drink ANYTHING that contains ASPARTAME or PHENYLALANINE. (I am allergic)

Plan every.single.meal and snack

Blog my progress every day, if I feel like crap and don't want to blog, then write that, but make the effort to blog each day.

Pamper my self a little every week, even if it's just painting my toe nails.

Weight in every Monday, regardless. NO excuses.

There you have it. This stuff isn't hard, it just has to become HABIT!

To get my 2 pieces of fruit in I started making a juice this morning after swimming. I ended up with a yellow water melon, yellow kiwi fruit and pear mix. I poured it over ice and I am slowing enjoying it as I type this up. Not a bad way to get the fruits in. Now vegies may be a little more difficult.

Good luck to those participating in this mini challenge.

Week 2 Weigh In

2011-10-03T06:01:00.000+09:30

It's been a tough week this past week. Aunt Flo stopped by and really made life difficult for a while.

No picture today, but this mornings weigh in was 116.6kg. So a gain of 0.3kg. Could have been much worse I suppose. My eating hasn't been as good as it needs to be so I do understand the slight gain.

My goals for week 3 are,

1. To continue tracking my calorie intake. I have tracked everyday for 2 weeks, I just haven't been eating well. I need to increase the fruits and vegies.

2. Track my water. For some reason I really struggle with this one. I think its for 2 reasons, I forget because I drinking mouthfuls here and there, and I HATE always needing to go to the bathroom.

3. Keep up my work outs at the pool. I have purchased a few toys that will increase the effort while doing my laps so hopefully this week I can burn a lot more calories and have a success to share next week.

4. To take the time to re-evaluate and re-focus.

I need to say a special thank you to all of you for your kind words, compassion and encouragement during the past week. It's because of you guys that I didn't give up when I could have easily binged my way through. I am so thankful for this challenge and the great people involved. I only hope I can do the same for you guys if you ever need it.

Hoping you have all had a successful week.

x x x

The One Where I Almost Give Up

2011-09-29T06:37:00.000+09:30

3 days. 3 days where I have felt like giving up. Aunt Flo is a.... well not very nice part of life.

Last week I was on such a high, I truly felt like my thinking was finally turning around and that one day I wasn't going to be a lard ass. I felt motivated, successful, strong. The past 3 days I have felt like the worst mother/woman/dieter/ *insert here* in the World. I feel like I have wasted my life, ruined others and I am just going to fizzle out with the weight loss thing like every other time.
Stood on the scales this morning and had a gain of half a kilo. See......

And I don't get it because I am still counting calories and swimming laps. I am now swimming for 45 minutes each morning, but yeah, I admit, it is no longer a struggle and I find the laps easy and I am not really out of breath when I do them. Is that why after 1 week I am no longer losing? What do I do then?

There is a tiny voice inside screaming at me. It tells me these feelings of failure and low self worth are due to HORMONES. It happens every month. My best laid plans always fail once Aunt Flo decides to visit and ruin my life. I have been holding on tight to that little voice, listening really hard when it whispers through the booming dictation telling me I am a disappointment in all things. I have held on thinking "this too shall pass" but people.... IT IS NOT PASSING and I have gained *sob*.

So now what? I have been holding on, fighting for weight loss, waiting for my good habits to take hold and stay. I have fought self sabotage (and have won for the most part) I have fought temptation (not as successfully as last week but still more successful than a "normal" week.) I WANT to be like last week, strong, sure of what I was doing, healthy in mind. Ugh it all went to hell as always.

I tell myself it will be ok, I only had one minor binge yesterday and it was still inside my calorie allowance. But that half kilo gain, OI! That really sunk any spirit I had left.

I am still going to swim, because well, lets face it, as a sole parent, its the only half hour / 45 mins I get to myself. I enjoy it. But I hate to think, I have been working so hard, fighting for this so hard, only to find next Monday, that it wasn't worth anything.

My goals today are 28 laps of the pool, better focus on my eating, to keep tracking, and to pay attention to my water intake because I have stopped tracking water. I am going to hold tight to that little whisper that is telling me not to give up yet, and hope that I can regain my positive, powerful thinking that I absolutely cherished last week.

Maybe I am screwed in the head. I mean, this can't be normal, right? Fighting with myself all the time? At the very least I have some major chemical imbalances or somethin'.

Fingers crossed for today....

Weigh In - Beginning of Week 2

2011-09-26T06:26:00.000+09:30

Week 1 was a success and to prove it here is this mornings weigh in pic....... drum roll.......

Excuse the wonkiness, I took this pic in the dark while the kids slept, and hoped I was aiming right.

116.3kg!!!! That is a loss of 1.7kg! *Doing happy dance*

For a woman that has had so much trouble losing even an ounce this past 6 months, and a woman who has gained 10kg in 1 month, I. AM. STOKED!!

This week is going to be much the same, swimming laps every morning. I have made it to my first mini goal of 20 laps. I can almost do them non-stop, so my focus this week will be building up to 30 laps. Adding 2 more each day. So this morning I should complete 22 laps.

I love tracking on My Fitness Pal, and have been consistent with that so I will be continuing on with my tracking. I have really been made aware of where my food choices could be better and I really need to up the fruit and veg now that I have a good idea of how much food I should be eating each day.

I aim to read more of my book this week. The Anger Diet. I am finding it very honest and educational. I can identify with almost all the aspects of anger and I hope to learn how to deal with it now I am aware of what it is. Although as I reflected yesterday, this lifestyle change has made an impact on this aspect also.

I did have one flare up last night. I had sugar 2 days in a row this weekend, ended up snapping at the children and coming down with a migraine (I think part hormonal part sugar) I found it interesting after I posted yesterday about how great it was that Aunt Flo came and I had no PMS issues, but then had sugar and whaddaya know, I had issues again! Curious.....

I am looking forward to reading up on everyones progress for week 1.

Thank you to those who have taken the time to follow my journey and leave support for me to find when I sit down to check comments each day. Lots of love and good luck to you all.

x x x

End of Week Review

2011-09-25T09:08:00.000+09:30

It's been a pretty great week. I tracked every day, I made my exercise mini goal of making it to 20 laps in the pool without drowning, I celebrated my 29th birthday. Yes exactly 12 months to go now.

I have felt great all week, and the only down fall? Aunt Flo came knocking on. my. birthday!!! I do admit though, it seems this week has even changed how Aunt Flo behaves, yesterday while I was out celebrating she almost quietly came, just a little niggle she was there. That's new, usually, lately, I feel like I am dying when she arrives, migraines, cramps that cripple, mood swings that would make a menopausal woman run and hide.... all that fun stuff. However so far, none of that. A slight niggling cramp and a mild headache that went away without me swallowing the heavy duty artillery. WTH? Is it coincidence or is eating better really affecting EVERYTHING?

I have found myself questioning this week, if food really affects behavior or if its the self worth and emotional aspects that makes us behave the way we do? This week I have had less mood swings, I am quite even tempered and handling situations better (especially with my almost 5 year old who has had some interesting behavior lately). I am thinking positively and I am wanting to improve a lot more. My thinking is starting to do a complete 180 from the me I have become and disliked the past 3 years. So is this change because I have reduced sugar, bad chemicals, and all the nasty stuff. Eating less and exercising. Or is it because I feel better about myself for doing those things? I am beginning to believe those people who state that food affects our brains and behavior not just our bodies. I really am.

I am looking forward to weigh in tomorrow, I am hoping for a loss after a week of really good work. I still have a lot to improve on, but just getting out the house and exercising and actually reaching personal exercise goals is HUGE. When I started I could barely make 10 laps and felt like I was dying and was waiting to drown. 8 days of pushing myself and Friday I made 20 laps without struggle. I know my loss wont be a big one, but I just have to remind myself to be patient and work hard because by this time next year I will be celebrating how far I have come. Rome wasn't built in a day.

My calories have been good, and My Fitness Pal has been a wonderful tool, considering I have never been a calorie tracker before. It has really helped me see where I am at and where I need to improve. I have kept within my target amount each day and yesterday I treated myself and still kept mindful of my goals. I even had birthday cake I and I do not feel guilt. A big milestone for me. I counted calories and still had a great day.

I hope you have all had a successful week and feel good too. I know some of you have struggled, I have been there many times before and will be again during this journey, but stick with it. Tell yourself YOU can be who you want to be, there is NO REASON you can't be the person you wish you were. You ARE good enough to be her and you CAN achieve your goals. Hard work never killed anyone and it makes VICTORY taste that much sweeter!

I am always there for those who ask. An ear, a shoulder, a kick up the butt. Whatever you need, remember there are people willing to help.

Can't wait to see every ones progress.

Quick Update

2011-09-23T07:21:00.000+09:30

Can't wait for weigh in on Monday. Feeling great in mind, body and spirit. My birthday tomorrow, going to make good choices so I don't undo all this awesome success this week.

Also gave the blog a little make over, not 100% happy with it but it looks cleaner and less busy. Let me know what you think.

Hope you are all having success too. If not, reach out, we are all here to help.
x x x

My Reward System

2011-09-21T06:07:00.000+09:30

My general goals for my weight loss journey focus on doing stuff for myself and making myself feel good. I figure it's fair if I am succeeding in all this hard work, to reward myself right?!

Here's what I have so far, although knowing me it will probably change....

5kg lost - Watch the Underworld Trilogy (all in one go :grin:)

10kg lost - Buy a $30 itunes gift card

15kg lost - Manicure and pedicure (professional)

Get to 100kg - Buy my water proof mp3 player that I want NOW!

20kg lost - Facial (professional)

25kg lost - Massage (neck, back and shoulder) (preferably done by a gorgeous hunk of man!)

30kg lost - Hair cut, color and foils (something completely new)

Goal weight - A whole new wardrobe including shoes

Learn to run without having a heart attack. 30 days successful running (in a row) - New running shoes and a new running outfit.

Stay steady at goal weight for 3 months - A new lap top!

When you see the World a little clearer

2011-09-20T06:17:00.000+09:30

Like a vast majority of people I have yo-yo'd along for years. I get motivated, make some huge changes in the space of a few days, maybe even drop some weight, get discouraged or lazy or complacent,defiant, tired or exhausted. I put the weight back on that I had lost, and then add another 10 kilos to that for good measure. I become depressed because I have failed. I self sabotage at the slightest incling of mistake and just tell myself, oh well, can't stick to it, see I knew I would screw up, may as well keep going with the destructive behavior and at least be happy for now (at least while I unwrap this chocolate bar)...

I have run that vicious circle of hope, focus, motivation, failure, self loathing and hopelessness for many years. Most definably after I gave birth to my children, survived a divorce, and learned how to be a single parent. I have tried to force myself into motivation by using old "skinny" photos, reading millions of weight loss books, admiring celebrities, and the like. I have told myself I HAVE to lose weight for other people (my children mostly. Guilt tripping myself that I have to be thin to be a good mum) and I have reminded myself of what other have said (mainly, when a guy said behind me "wow, she would be beautiful if she lost some weight - talk about rip your heart out). No need to state, that none of those things were a long time solution for me to lose weight. In all honesty, they helped me to continue adding it on.

Things have changed recently though, my focus is different, my ideas have matured, and of it all, I no longer feel pressured by myself to succeed and succeed fast.
My goal now? To be healthy. I am miles away from being healthy right now, although I will proudly declare, I have been cigarette free for over 9 months and I dont ever want to recommence that habit ever again. I am already on my way to being healthy.

I am not big on numbers. I feel BMI is an ideal, not so much realistic and attainable, however I do use scales as a guide. At the moment I am 117kg, I stand at about 1.77cm, or about 5'10". An Australian dress size of around an 20 (getting snug tho). I am a solid build, so I know realistically I cant drop below 75kg (I end up looking like a lollipop). My goal weight is 77kg or 170 lbs, or a dress size of an Australian 14-16. That means I need to shift 40kg and 2-3 dress sizes. Tough but do-able in a 12 month time frame. One baby step at a time.

Christmas Dress Challenge - Day 1

2011-09-19T06:32:00.002+09:30

Official Weight In - My heaviest yet 118KG. Please excuse the toe prints. I DO clean it I promise!

I'm excited. I have a plan. I am meeting new people who WANT to get to know me and be supportive through out this journey. Today isn't just day 1 of the Christmas Dress Challenge, but also day 1 of my personal 12 months journey towards changing my entire life. I admit, I have a lot of shit to work through, and it isn't just weight related, but small bites, small bites.....

My goals for today;

Track everything on my new fandango, MyFitnessPal on the ipod. So far it's looking like a good tool to use.

Remember to take my multivitamin (in fact I'm gonna go swallow it now....)

Swim 12 laps of the pool

Make a point to be mindful today

Read at least 20mins of my current book, "The Anger Diet"

Paint my toe nails :)

Hope you all have a great start to the week.

It's all in your head

2011-09-18T10:30:00.000+09:30

My journey to health and wellness is all about creating healthy habits that can be carried on for life. I continually tell myself that it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. All it takes is one small change at a time, and eventually you are living a healthier, longer life without too much effort.

Lately I have fallen off the wagon, both with my physical health and my emotional health.
The bottom line: If you are not well mentally and emotionally you will have no success with your physical well being. You really need to be in the right frame of mind to succeed in caring about yourself.

So I am going to start at the beginning again. The beginning for me, is taking care of my mental and emotional state right now. I suffer greatly from stress related problems, and I have come to learn and realise lately that I harbor a lot of anger to everything and nothing right now (and I am not usually an angry person). So I am stressed and angry and because of those feelings inside I display them inappropriately towards those around me on the outside. Then I feel guilty, and that stresses me out more and then I run the big ol' vicious circle.

Being healthy isnt just about the physical side, losing weight, looking good, being fit. Its also about your mind and your spirit. Its about feeling good with in yourself. Solving the issues that make us feel bad. Its learning about whats going on in our minds and our hearts and striving to be just as healthy mentally and emotionally as we do to be healthy physically.

Life long wellness needs a solid foundation. I am building from the bottom up beginning with my mental and emotional health. So this weekend I am focusing on my Priorities before I begin the Back to Basic and Christmas Dress Challenges.

Priorities determine whats important to us in life and can create a balance and focus. Priorities can show us a path in what we need to do and strive for.

Priorities are what YOU feel is important in YOUR life. YOUR list is strictly YOURS designed for YOUR life. When listing your priorities think about right now and life as a whole. You may need to focus on something a little more than others normally would. If, like me you are struggling within yourself, than getting your mental / emotional health is more important than say, housework right now. If you are sick than your physical health would need to come before work, for example.

This is how my priorities are looking so far

Parenting
Mental and Emotional Health
Faith
Physical Health
Work / Study
Extended Family and Friends
Finances
House and Home

You will notice house and home is at the bottom of my list. Not because it doesn't matter or isn't important, but because my situation right now means that I need to focus more on other things and rings around the bath tub or the mountain of ironing can wait a little longer. However it is still a priority to me which is why its on my list.

Faith is new to me and something I have been beginning to work on. Its closer to the top of my list for a number of reasons. It is something I am thinking of sharing at some point further down the track.

This is just my list for now, at this time in my life. Its not set in stone, but rather more a guide to what I need to keep my focusses on to live life the way I want and need to. Its my path and a reminder of what I am working on.

Wellness isnt just about being thin or fit of body. :)

The Christmas Dress Challenge - Goal Post

2011-09-18T09:33:00.001+09:30

The Rules

The challenge will run from Mon September 19th - Mon December 19th.

You must define a goal(s) at the start of a challenge. I would encourage you all to have a goal piece of clothing to stop you going too crazy if the scale stops moving for a while. Treat yourself to something you can look forward to wearing over the festive period!

There will be a check-in once a week, everyone must take part in the check-in. You don't have to post a weight if you don't want to share the number, but you must post a weight difference (i.e. you don't have to write 'Weight this week: 400lbs', but you would have to write 'Loss/Gain this week: 2lbs'). If you don't use the scale then you must check in with your measurements. This is to keep everyone accountable and in regular contact. You don't have to weigh in/measure on Monday if that's not to your schedule, but you will have to check in your results on that day.

OK with that out the way, here is my End Game Goal for the challenge;

As usual my pictures don't do it justice (it is sheer lace all the way down with a beige silk lining), I really suck at taking photos but anyways.....

I bought this dress over 10 years ago, back when I was thinner but thinking if I lost a few kg's it would fit. It never did.

As you may be able to see, I broke the zip trying to force my fat self into it about 4 years ago. Since then it has sat in my sewing chest waiting to be repaired and for me to drop the extra kilos that stop me ever wearing it.

It is a size 18 but a small size 18. Right now I am a LARGE size 20. It is an ambitious goal but I believe its do-able so long as I remain focused.

Here is me trying it on, and how far I have to go. Each week I will take a photo in the dress to document my (hopeful) progress.

Side view - yes that's how far I have to go before I can zip it.

What goes up.... Hopefully stays up??

2011-09-17T09:04:00.000+09:30

I am an ambitious woman. Sometimes I am so full of great ideas on how to improve things that I can hardly contain my new found excitement and motivation, but then that priceless saying that everyone knows, rings true to who I am....

Whats goes up....... must come down

That's when things get a little hazy. I begin to suffer self doubt. I tell myself I am silly, impulsive, stupid even for thinking my ideas could be more than just that. I ask myself if I could actually even do it, I ask myself if it should even be tried, cause let's face it, it probably isn't worth it or worse, I'll start it and fizzle out in a record period of time and then I will beat myself up for wasting time, precious resources or dollars I didn't have to spare in the first place. This, my friends is easily labelled "SELF. SABOTAGE"

A prime example of this is my weight loss efforts over the years, or my eleventeen thousand different blogs, or the hobbies I have tried, or projects around the home and the 10 thousand lists I make to do them, or wanting to go to Uni.

OK so I am still doing the Uni thing, and I am doing well in it, I just don't "feel" it. It isn't something I am passionate about, and I was sooooo hoping I would be. I am sticking with it, because I know even though it isn't my calling, I will be proud of myself if I see it through and complete it successfully.

My hobbies? Well I finally found a creative hobby that I adore and it makes me feel proud. It fits my lifestyle just fine, but it fits me so well because I am able to sit on my big fat hiney and do it whilst watching tv and the final product is amazing with very little effort. :shameful blush:

My blogs? Well I culled the majority of them, condensed down and hopefully this home is where I will be staying for the long haul.

The weight loss efforts? Well......ummm......ahhhhh...... I am doing really, really great with gaining in record time. I am going to try though, and starting this weekend I will be joining the Christmas Dress Challenge that runs for 12 weeks, and the following weekend I will be participating in the We Are Slimming, 4 week - Back to Basics Challenge. A big thank you to Megan at We Are Slimming for listening to my ideas and being a good sport about making them happen.

Sounds ambitious I know, but I am really serious about making changes here people. 12 months. 12 MONTHS!

30 - the new 21?

2011-09-16T15:15:00.000+09:30

Next year I turn 30. It's needless to say, that I have been doing a lot of soul searching, questioning what I want out of life, and self discovery since I have been single (going on 3 years now).

I admit, I am starting to resent being referred to as just a Mum. Yes I love my children, they are my World, however they are just about the only thing in my World. I have lived almost 30 years without passion. I have never had a clear path, desire or focus. I made my choices and lived with them, and that's not to say I regret the choices I have made, I just don't want to live another 30 without making the major life choices that take me towards the things that make it worth living.

I have spent 3 years living life as a hermit. I have my little World at home as a mother and domestic goddess (and I even lack in that department these days) and nothing more really. I have no friends and very little contact with the "outside" world, except for a 2 hour Uni class once a week (but that doesn't count there are only 2 of us in class).

Up until recently (and it still isn't perfect) I have had a very strained relationship with my family but we go out for lunch every Saturday, the rest of the week they live 2 hours away. I have A LOT of trouble talking to people (even family members) I feel like an idiot when I do speak to people (online and off), I think I could safely be labelled a social retard.

I have no "active and good for you" hobbies, (although I find crochet a calm, creative, almost spiritual hobby) No interests (other than those based at home, like reading and crochet) and I have no real goals for the future. I am morbidly obese and growing.

I want to spend the next 12 months "growing up". When I hit the big 3-O I want to be proud of who I am, where I am and what is lined up for the future.

Too much to ask???

Im back.... again.

2011-09-14T13:15:00.000+09:30

A new look blog, a new attitude and a new amount to lose.

Right now I sit at 117kg (258lbs) O.M.G! That makes 13kg gained since the move back here. OUCH!

Needless to say I am sad, angry, depressed and self loathing, plus I am pretty sure I am suffering symptoms of high blood pressure, and I have never had a problem with blood pressure before.

It is almost exactly 12 months until my 30th birthday. I have 12 months to get my shit together, and that doesn't just mean my food addiction and couch potato lifestyle, I have A. LOT of work to do.

Pictures and the other bits and pieces are coming tomorrow. Please stop by and let me know you've been here, I need you guys :(

Life with Drama is well.... drama!

2011-08-19T12:29:00.000+09:30

I like to live a simple, drama free life (inner turmoil is different here people!) I quite enjoy the little world my children and I have going on. It's calm for the most part, we have routine and structure, we only have to worry about each other and I am able to control the drama that is around us for the most part.

I love my "outside" family too, and I am so happy that things have become steady and enjoyable with my parents and brothers over the last 3 months. We look forward to a visit from them each Saturday and we feel like something is missing when they are unable to spend Saturday's with us. It's also a rare treat when they stay over night too. We love seeing them, but something I do not enjoy nor miss, is family drama.

Today I was put in a very uncomfortable position, and I am still feeling crummy this afternoon. I was put in a place where I either lied to my mother or betrayed my brothers confidence. I did not feel good about nor did I want to do either. When I found myself in that position I floundered. I ended up doing both, lying to my mother AND betraying my brothers trust. I feel terrible, and as yet I haven't heard back from either of them so I do not know where I stand, which is even worse.

I hate that I was put in that position, I hate that now I feel guilty and worried and ill at ease. I hate that tomorrow is Saturday and I am unclear of what to expect. We are a family of major over reaction, and I dread my mother at times.

I try not to sweat the small stuff, but sometimes it feels bigger than it is in hindsight.

Oh the joys...

A New Take on Things

2011-08-18T15:53:00.000+09:30

I spend so much time thinking I'm fat, I need to lose 30+kg, I need to do it now, all in one go, Im going to get fatter if I dont, I am gonna die if I do, yada, yada, yada.
Yes these things are all indeed true, however they are also the thoughts that have caused me to fail an obscene amount of times spanning a time period of more than 10 years.
As readers of this blog know, I am re-evaluating me, my life, my future, and all that other fun, complex stuff. It's exhausting, but I also see, I have hope. Hope to change, hope to fix, hope to improve and live a life I want, and I keep trying. So far I have a great big list of things that don't work. One day I will find what does work for me.
Thus my new approach...

It's no secret, I don't look after myself. You don't get to 115kg by looking after yourself. And in turn, not only has my weight suffered, my emotion health, mental health, and physical health have also. I am always sick. I am always in pain. I am always miserable and feeling crappy inside and out.

My plan? To LOOK AFTER MYSELF. I have vitamins and minerals supplements for those things I am lacking, I have new tools to help with water and fresh food intake. I have a new experiment to tackle portion sizes. I have a list of things I like to do that make me feel good, some as basic as going outside and getting sunlight. I have an exercise plan and new music to motivate. I have small, achievable goals. I have basic numbers to follow and this time I WANT to try and stick with it. Who would have thought looking after yourself is so tough?!

Snort Soul mates?!

2011-08-17T13:47:00.000+09:30

I believed in them once, you know, the whole, Mr Right is out there somewhere. Everyone has a soul mate in this World, blah, blah, blah.

I don't believe that any more, and that's OK. I believe the whole "soul mate" thing originated when people wanted to make our people feel better but not be truthful. Again with the blowing smoke of society, seriously.

I am human of course, I long for that knight in shining armor who saves me from the horrors of life and we live happily ever after riding together into a perfect sunset. In fact my happy place is full of perfect knights in shining armor professing undying love as my soul mate for eternity (with amazing tanned bodies, high morals, and that macho protective instinct - of course). That's where fairy tales and romance movies will get ya.

Having said that, when I drop back down to Earth after spending time with my head in the clouds, I understand that I most likely will remain a single woman for the rest of my days, and I am OK with that. Yes it gets lonely, especially at night when the kids are sleeping and the house is quiet. Yes sometimes I long for a man to hold me, and take care of me, and yes, often I wish my children had a wonderful, loving, active, protective father in their lives. But alas, I love having the bed to myself, I love to do what I want when I want and only have to worry about my kids and no one else. I like freedom, privacy, space and quiet. I like not having to shave and wax when I don't feel like it. I love not worrying how I appear to the rougher sex. And sex.... well lets just say I do fine without. Besides, no man will ever live up to my dream guys :)

I believe I am single for a reason. I have never been on my own until now and I like it. Since being without a man I have learned and continue to learn about myself. I have realised being alone isn't as horrible or as scary as I feared all those years. I am learning to like my own company and to find things that please me like music, meditation, reading and crochet. I have learned where I have gone wrong, and where I continue to fall short. I am learning what is good about myself although that lesson is taking a little longer to learn.
I have more time for myself, although I think because I have all this time to focus on myself like never before, that I have gone a little over board. I have more time for my children and their happiness is my forefront each day, I dont ever have to worry about how my partner feels, or agrees or thinks. I have time and want to improve things. I started Uni this month. I taught myself to crochet blankets and shawls and hats and scarves, and I find joy in giving them as gifts. I enjoy things more, and after walking out of a controlling, emotionally abusive relationship I am thankful for my freedom to do as I wish. I wont ever give that up again.

My kids of course, are happier now they have me all to themselves too.

My self improvement is long, emotional, exhausting and at time disheartening. I am slowly seeing the picture of me as I am clearing and I dont like it, but I cant start to repaint until I see the whole picture clearly. Some days are extremely hard and I feel like I am the worst person in the whole World, in the end though, I realise....

I am human.

Call me crazy

2011-08-17T08:37:00.000+09:30

I crave attention, someone to talk to, a friendship, companionship, and yet I don't like being social. I find most people fake, false and in care of their own agenda... just like me these days I suppose.
I have always had issues making real friends. Life has always been those friendships where they are nice to your face, then go behind your back and bitch. I even had issues with my mother in that way for years and it is only now beginning to stablise.
The things that upsets me is I am fiercely loyal. I love completely. I just have trouble finding people worthy of that. Don't get me wrong, I give people chances, but limited people and well.... they always screw me over.
The joys of life, thus the reason I do not socialise or have friends. My social life consists of a computer screen, because you can switch it off, walk away, change email addresses if need be and move on should someone cause issues. It's a place where 99% of the population portray who they WANT to be, not who they really are. A place where no one gets really, truly attached, but somewhere you can usually find people to rub your poor and sorry ass should you want it. Some of the kindest lines I have been told were online. If I were an honest person I would say 99.9% of the nice things said to me are online. Join a facebook group and cry poor me and you will get plenty of supportive, "you are a great person" comments. Make a blog, follow a few people and voila! you have friends.

In the end though, it's all empty. You may be able to read abut peoples days, click through family pictures, feel like you a part of it all, but in the end YOU.DON'T.KNOW.THESE.PEOPLE! They are not friends. They are just people you met on a screen who tell you want you want to hear with no attachment. Ahhh the joys of modern technology.

Face to face, I just can't do. I can switch it on and pretend I am a friendly, confident, nice, sociable woman, but inside I am cringing, my skin is crawling, I am thinking to myself as you speak knowing much of what you tell people is a lie / fake / false / self depricating bullshit.
You want to be liked, pure and simple. We all do, and thus most of us are full of it. I am not better, no worse. I just see it all for what it is. How often do true friends come along? I have yet to find one. Perhaps I am too harsh or too picky? I do expect things of people I trust though, and the number 1 things is honesty. Also someone who actually genuinely wants to be part of my life and shows it by participating in my life, not just be dragged along for the ride. I want my "friends" to be like family. To make an effort. In turn I believe I should do the same, genuinely, not just out of duty. I want to have "friends" that I actually want to be a part of. None of this blow smoke bullshit.

To much to ask?

Honesty is the Best Policy.... Right??!!

2011-08-16T17:28:00.000+09:30

If I am honest with myself, I have control issues.What were once significant control issues have now become major, extreme, can.not.ignore, control issues. Control issues that now inject themselves into every single day life situations and are displayed through emotional warfare, abuse and uncontrollable urges to find my happy place and stay there permanently.

I notice a change in myself from say... 3 years ago. I have come to the realisation this afternoon that the reason I am hating being a mother, and a single one at that, is the older my children become, the more defiant, independent, questioning of authority and ignorant to their Mother, they become. Gone are the days my precious 18 month old put the blocks in the box when I asked her. Gone are the days I told them they were grounded and they knew that was final and not to debate, defy or ignore it. Gone are the days my kids took me seriously when they were in trouble. A great deal of anger and resentment inside me stems from this. The rest of the anger, hurt, resentment and guilt comes from what I have said, done and wanted over the past 3 years.

I have issues with the past. It is always there, I have trouble letting go, sometimes I can "move on" or at least appear to, but the past is always there right in the close recesses of my heart and mind and there for the driving point of my thoughts and feelings. No matter how many times I try and deal, or how many times I tell myself to let go, forgive and forget, I just can't. I have done things, said things, behaved in certain ways the past 3 years that I HATE myself for. The guilt eats at me daily, I go to bed hating myself for it all, wishing I could turn back the clock knowing then what I know now. Alas, no matter how much I wish and pray, I can not.

I do not know however, why I am gripping onto control tighter and tighter as the days pass. My behavior towards myself and others indicates, any shift in power and control (if unforeseen) sends me off the rails. My children do cop a bit of this because, to be quite frank, they are the ones who defy, ignore and rebel me. They are not in danger, and I love and look after them as best I can with what I have, remember, I am doing this alone, but there are times I am harsh or harder on them than most. I expect certain things of my children. I expect them to be polite, respectful, obedient to their Mother and those adults in authority eg. teachers, law enforcement, grandparents etc. I expect that they try, that they learn and have a good education, that they are clean, healthy and well fed. I expect them to be active and to have hobbies and interests. I don't believe these things are wrong to expect, nor unfair, and to be quite frank I expect ALL parents to strive for the same. There are too many disrespectful, rude, and disobedient spoiled little brats out there and it disgusts me.

Lately I have struggled. I like my alone time. I like to make a plan and be able to go about that without question or interruption. I have always been that way, but it has become over done now, say the past 3 years and especially the past 3 months since we have been back in our own home and not living with family.
There are small reasons that may have contributed to these issues, but no major, neon sign reasons. The truth is, I have always been this way, just not this........ extreme. Any lose of control, any change to my immediate plans, any outside contact, and BAM! its on like Donkey Kong.

I am emotionally screwed up right now, although I believe I always have been, from my earliest memories, however I don't know why, I had an OK childhood. I often question nature vs nurture.

My body is failing in almost every way, and each day I am confronted by a new ailment contributed by either lack of exercise, bad eating habits and/or the emotional poison of living this way. Either way it's all pretty bad, and I am not yet 30.
If someone could see my aura, it would be black and poison thats for sure.

I am unsure though, of what to do. Each day I question myself, who I am, why I am this way, where I want to go, I learn a little more, so I am hoping this will actually get me somewhere.

Step by step, I hope I am getting better.

Lazy Girl's Turning 30

Please Don't Hate Me

To The One Who Watches Over Me

Weigh In - End of Week 3

Quick Update

Why A Man Could Never Love THIS Fat Chick

Smooth Sailing

Back to Basics

Week 2 Weigh In

The One Where I Almost Give Up

Weigh In - Beginning of Week 2

End of Week Review

Quick Update

My Reward System

When you see the World a little clearer

Christmas Dress Challenge - Day 1

It's all in your head

The Christmas Dress Challenge - Goal Post

What goes up.... Hopefully stays up??

30 - the new 21?

Im back.... again.

Life with Drama is well.... drama!

A New Take on Things

*Snort* Soul mates?!

Call me crazy

Honesty is the Best Policy.... Right??!!

Snort Soul mates?!